Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.