Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so