Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
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If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Order here:
More here:
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.