Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

This was the best day of my life

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!