When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
You Might Also Like
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
How it started: How it’s going:
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
FINE, I WON’T.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.