my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me