Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

I get distracted pretty eas

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.