Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.