Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

Can Happiness buy money?

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Lol.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

Uh oh 👀