Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

I’d hang this in my house.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.