Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

I am having an out of money experience.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*