Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

They got Raph!

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder