Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
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I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
What’s a Messi?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.