Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

why no one uses midhusbands

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

Intelligence is the new cleavage

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks