Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.