Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

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Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.