Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

With this onion ring, I thee fed

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.