Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

my name if I was in the mob

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for