Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

Your secret is safeish with me

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it