Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house