Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere