Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively corrects your posture*

Had to try this trend 😊

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Did…did a minotaur write this

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

tag yourself

idk what this dog had been going through but same

A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it