Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Look, a pure bread cat!

Be vigilant

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”