Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter: