Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

Every BBC series about the universe.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems