Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Joseph Smith, 1833
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.