Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

Breaking news:

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?