Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

*feels the wind in my toe hair

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

So inspired right now.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

“That’s what” – She

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg