HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Life with a cat in one tweet
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Um … Hot Wings please
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.