Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

Uh oh 👀

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.