Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.