Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….