Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off