Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

when you are just born a rebel

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late