Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

The Eggorcist