HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
You Might Also Like
Oh hi lol
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up