Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

Breaking news:

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

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