Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.