Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

*hires sky writer*

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