HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
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Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
i’m still crying at this
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
The options really are this bad
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Tuesday
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way