Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morning.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?