Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there