Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

😾

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

umm…

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.