Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

This is always good for a laugh.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal