Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

you gotta be faster

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

San Francisco has too many rules

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos