Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

You look like you would fail a DNA test

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.