Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.