her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst


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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes


I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.


ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.


Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture


bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit


Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?


8:Mommy you seem sad. What’s wrong?

Awe, sweetie. It’s just grown up stuff. I’ll be fine.

8: Is it me? Daddy? Did we do something?

No baby! love you. And daddy. We are great!

8: Is is taxes? Its clearly taxes


“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.


Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.


SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy