Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

Hot Panini is in big trouble

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?