Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Cinematography is my passion

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this