Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.