@Robert_Beau

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

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@phaithfuI

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

@MichaelaOkla

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

@nyquills

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

@ObscureGent

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

@Dutch_50

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

@LinajkReturns

Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don’t send me a fruitcake. Already got one.

@Darlainky

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.