Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

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manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy


I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long


Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there


HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.


Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?


wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!


Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.


Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don’t send me a fruitcake. Already got one.


My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.