Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
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The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
birds and squirrels envy us
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.