Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers