Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
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I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.