Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
