Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
this country is so goddamn polarized
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.