Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
You Might Also Like
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.