Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Imagine having a party on purpose.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom