Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end