Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]