her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
sigh
