Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

😂🖐️