Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

Pot warmers of the day.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

❤️❤️❤️

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

True

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)