her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[eulogy]
line?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.