Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.