Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
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[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Feels like the fourth month in January
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Spotted in the wild
just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.