Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said