Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

my favorite genre of twitter

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME