Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I’m hunting wabbits…
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.