Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
You Might Also Like
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )