Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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Family Celebrity
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”